Marker works on skin too

The little princess colored on her royal body (face, hand, knee, foot) after she got bored with the paper.

Notice the facial features change? Yea, she knows she's in trouble. But she's just too doggon cute, I can't help myself. I had to take a picture.

Also notice the plastic on the floor? I'm not stupid. Not only do I strip her down to her diaper, but I cover the floor as well when she's doing arts and crafts. The minute, no, the second I turn my head away, she's scribbling like mad on anything but the paper. She loves it. I don't.

Alas, kids will be kids. So I chuckle to myself knowing this is totally normal. She is discovering her world, figuring out how things work. Yea, marker works on skin too. That's one discovery she can check off her toddler list of things to explore.

I had to use bleach to get the marker stains out of the tub today after her bath. I have a feeling my cleaning days have truly just begun...

Oh and P.S... I was just notified that my blogger account has no more free storage space for further picture uploads. Don't know what I'm gonna do about that. It costs $5/year to get 20 GB of more space. Hmmm I guess that isn't too much. You might not see a picture on here for a while, at least until I figure out what to do. Bummer?

What makes a good photographer

Probably one of my favorite photographs I've ever taken thus far in my little artistic journey.

These sisters are so beautiful, are they not? For goodness sake, I'm not even related to them and I want to blow this picture up and hang it in my bedroom!

It's days like these, when I come close to capturing the beauty of a moment (for who can fully capture the beauty of any moment anytime?), that I sit back, breathe in deep, and come to the conclusion that this is what I love to do.

I love people. I love art. I love cameras. There you have it.

And it's not even just the fact that I love taking pictures. The truth is I love people so very, very much. I love to make them happy. I love it when genuine smiles creep up on their cheeks when they see a photo of themselves that they absolutely love. To hear someone squeal with delight and thank me for taking a wonderful shot of them- this is my dream.

Making a child giggle during a photoshoot, wiping lint off the shoulder of a security guard, brushing the hair of a food service worker, all these moments help make me become a better photographer. What kind of portrait photographer would I be if I wasn't good with people?

When I see this photo, I remember how hard we worked together to get this shot. We tried so very many poses, we fixed hair, we worked and worked some more, and then this happened. And it took my breath away.

These sisters have my heart.
Now I shall go print an 11 x 17 of this photo for my bedroom.
Okay just kidding, but I seriously could... ;)

He is there.

Some days I feel like supermom, and some days I feel like superfailure.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to this. I am a human being. I have faults and imperfections. I can't expect myself to always be perfect.

But, I can expect my faithful Father in heaven to be my strength and source of guidance. Always.

That's why I love the bible so much. I open the book (or open the bible app- before my daughter spilled juice on my iphone and ruined the screen) and let the words of truth penetrate my soul. You see, this world is full of shifting opinions and changing trends. What's popular advice today will be yesterday's news tomorrow. You can't trust popular opinion. We people are fickle. We change. But the good news is... He. never. changes.

Are you feeling down? Have you messed up? Trying to get back up again? He is there. Holding out His nail-pierced hands. The price he paid for your sins is sufficient to cover all. Nothing is too hard for Him to redeem.

That truth is carrying me, right now, as I type. I have had a really, really horrible week. But when I close my eyes and cry out to my Father, I am filled with a peace that is beyond understanding.

No depression medication, no alcoholic drink, no boyfriend or girlfriend, and no addiction is going to fill that hole in your heart. It may feel good temporarily, but it will never completely satisfy you.

Take it from me- an oftentimes overwhelmed mom trying to live this life. He is all you need.

Go ahead, talk to Him. Tell Him how you've been feeling. Ask Him to help you through whatever it is you're going through. Open up that bible that's been gathering dust underneath your bed or on top of the bookshelf.

He is there. No matter what.

Say cheese!

Ah. A new photography adventure. Always a treat.

A new client, a prospective photoshoot, an upcoming job, they all equal late nights of stress and anxiety by yours truly.

Have I researched enough? Is my battery charged, and the back-up battery as well? Do I have spare SD cards? Have I looked up all possible shoot ideas? Is my lens clean? Will I get the settings right? 

Jeez Louise, Casey, get a grip and just go to bed already! (5 hours of sleep is definitely NOT enough, but it'll have to do.)

I'm actually very, very pleased with how this photo session turned out. I was asked, for the first time in my short life, to take school portraits for a school with over 150 students. I have no equipment other than my hand-dandy camera and this brilliant noggin' of mine (ha... ha.... okay no one's laughing). So lighting had to be natural, and a backdrop needed to consist of art paper found in a back closet. Got everything? Check, check, and check!

Here are the results. Please no critiques, I already know what could be better. I just wanted to "get it out there" and show the world what we accomplished! A huge sigh of relief from this girl, right here.

think outside the box

Toddlers. Oh their creative minds- swirling, turning like wheels. You can just see the yearning in their eyes for knowledge, for adventure, for thinking outside the box.

Ya, sometimes they think TOO much outside of the box. Let's stay inside the box, shall we? I like the box. The box is nice and tidy.

My daughter has discovered that the world is her playground and she is going to explore every little doggon thing she can get a hold of!

Exhibit A: Sitora decides that while mommy's not looking, this would be the opportune time to get out the vaseline jar. She's been told numerous times she's not aloud to touch the vaseline jar, but mommy's not around to catch her this time. She decides to grab globs and globs of vaseline and wipe them all. over. the. house.

For starters, she wipes it all over her potty chair. I guess this has a purpose, somewhere deep down inside her little mind. I'm sure sitting on the potty for long periods of time waiting for something to come out worthy of candy must not feel too comfy on the bum-bum. Sitting on vaseline would sure ease the pain, wouldn't it?

I then proceeded to find vaseline wiped all over the bathroom lightswitch and sink. I'm guessing she was trying to "wash" her hands after she realized the vaseline was not coming off her little fingers after many failed attempts of randomly wiping them all throughout the house.

I also found my iphone smeared with vaseline. This was not good.

And don't forget the table, not only covered in a thin layer of vaseline, but also small globs of it dabbed here and there, almost like a miniature mountain range.

Exhibit B: Coloring isn't just for paper. Oh no. That's just way too boring! Sitora has decided that anything and everything can be colored on, despite her mother and father's best attempts at disciplining her when caught. A nice, brand new chair purchased by our landlord's is a great place to start, isn't it? Or how about the walls? They are just way too white. And Sitora's brand new clothes needed some pen markings as well. But she didn't want to color on her old clothes. Oh no, there's no need for that. Just the new clothes.

Exhibit C: Whenever Sitora sits down on her little potty chair, she's way too bored to just sit there patiently. There's got to be something to do to pass the time of course. So the easiest and most convenient activity? Grabbing her toes and picking through them looking for toe-jam. She pulls out each and every little goobery lint ball and carefully drops it on the floor. Forget the part where toe-jam just comes out in the bathtub- that would be too easy. One must methodically locate each and every particle for proper disposal. (And Sitora may or may not sometimes eat it. But I won't expound upon that any further, for your own good.)

So, welcome to the world of toddlers! Where anything and everything is possible. Rules smules. Toddlerzania is a free country with complete democracy, right?

Well, not if I have anything to do with it :) Until then, we'll be meandering through the backroads of toddlerhood trying to come out alive. I'll see you on the other side! (But I can't guarantee if my sanity will make it...)

"MOM! Hold my hand! Dance like a baller-nina. Turn on the mus-gic!"

Photoshoot rerun

This post has absolutely no purpose. I decided to act a little goofy and post some photos my friend took of me last summer around Baku. A little bit o' cute, silly, and serious. Good times, my friends, good times.

I'm hoping to grab one last photoshoot from this gal before she moves away in two months. I have this AWESOME photo idea I realllllly want her to do for my family. I'll give you a few hints. It involves an umbrella, kissing, and holding of hands. If I can pull this photo idea off, I'll have the picture of a lifetime. If all goes as planned, I hope to blow up the photo as big as possible and frame it in our bedroom. But it's still only an idea, not yet born into reality.

In other news, Sitora kissed her boyfriend three times tonight. Not so sure how I feel about that one ;)

Insanity

My daughter played with snow for the first time in her entire little life.

And I wasn't even there to witness it.

I wasn't there to take a picture, capture the moment forever, then post it for all the world to see on this blog of mine.

I was sick, laying in bed dehydrated after 24 hours of death by toilet. And after 4 days of being sick with other randomly horrible symptoms, I had forgotten to drink much at all. You know when you were sick as a little kid, and your doting mother kept bending down by your sweet little face helping you take small sips of water? Ya, not this time. When you're an adult, you have to remind yourself to drink water. Growing up kindof stinks sometimes. I wish I could teleport my mom over to my place when I'm as sick as a dog (and as ugly as Frankenstein's bride- no joke my friends.)

Anyways, my best Azeri friend came over to help after I was left husbandless and weary. (He's on a trip.) She offered to take Sitora out in her girly girl pink snowsuit and let her play in the snow. My husband gently reminded me before he left that I should not be outside while recovering from sickness, but Sitora desperately wanted to go out. She kept looking out the window exclaiming she was going to play with "Snow White!" and see a snowman. So when my friend offered, I was absolutely elated!

They came back less than 10 minutes later. Apparently Sitora was deathly afraid of the snow, and furthermore decided she needed to be held. She had no desire to play in the snow any longer. So that was that.

Now the snow has melted away and my heath is regained, and I wait patiently for another dusting for us to play in. Until then, I am going to vegetate upon my couch for the next 2 days to recover from today. 10 kids from 11 months to 9 years of age with 2 adults in a small apartment for 8 hours. I am slowly tinkering on the edge of insanity. I had the house completely cleaned up with one last little munchkin left to go home, so I sat down with my friend for a quick chat and a small bite to eat. Sitora and her little friend were way. too. quiet. What was I thinking?

I poked my head around the corner to find a sweet little surprise. Ah yes- my favorite! Three different card games all scattered together throughout the house. Have fun cleaning that one up mom! Oh the joys of being a parent.

If there's one thing I've learned on this journey of mammahood, it's been how to leave selfishness behind. When you get married, you learn how selfish you are. Then you have kids. And then you really learn how selfish you are. Kudos, props, and pats on the back to all mothers everywhere, wherever you are. We traded in high heels and clutch purses for ponytails and diaper bags. But we wouldn't want it any other way.

I am way past my expiration date for the night. What in the world am I still up doing typing this post? Somebody send me to bed quick, before I really lose it!

My songs

Playing with seasoned musicians is a real treat. I had the honor of performing with my talented friends at our local coffee shop this past weekend. The theme was "Valentine's day", so we all picked songs revolving around loooove.

I picked a few songs to play with the band and a few to play by myself. It's always exciting to perform my own songs I've written. But the best part of the entire night? Having the band accompany me for one of those songs. Whenever I write a song, I usually can only imagine it being played by me. But when the other musicians heard the song, they seemed to just naturally soak in the beat and feeling. I couldn't believe how amazing it sounded with all of us together! I was floating in the clouds, let me tell you!

My dream is to someday record the songs I've written. Not so much for other people to have (although I would love that) but for me to have forever, so that I'll never forget them.

The sweetest moment of the evening? When my songs were finished and sweet Sitora stood up clapping and shouting, "Yay Mommy! You did it!" Everyone heard it and giggled :)

Lyric Excerpt from my song, "Starlight, Starbright"

So take my hand and lead me there

Promise you won't lead me where I can't find you

Whisper in my ear again

Tell me you'll be with me until the end

Snow white and no time to be sick

I think I'm on the last stretch of this yucky flu. It's been nearly three days of endless torture. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

This destructive sickness had a few stages. Let me share them with you :)

Stage 1: Faintness, exhaustion
Stage 2: Fever
Stage 3: Body ache, endless sleeping, headache
Stage 4: Twenty-four hours straight of digestive problems (we'll leave it at that...)
Stage 5: Runny nose, sneezing, head conjestion

I'm in stage 5 and hoping that soon I'll be home free!

I don't have time to be sick. I have a very busy schedule this next week with so many things to plan. My head is swimming with details I need to hash out while at the same time my body is telling me to lay down and rest. I saw an advertisement on the metro a few weeks ago for Theraflu (oh how I love that stuff!) I am pretty proud of my myself that I could read it all in Azeri - the advertisement's slogan is exactly what I just said- because "I don't have time to be sick." But honestly, does anybody have time to be sick? Especially a mom! My husband has been doing a fantastic job of running the household, and yesterday he shopped, cooked, planned, and led youth group as well. All the while I was laying in bed unable to move a muscle. But today as my energy is slowly regaining, I am rummaging through the house picking up trash, reorganizing, and straightening up. I still can only stand up for short periods of time though before I feel faint again.

It snowed this morning (and still is) - the first real snow this whole season! The snow is actually sticking to the ground. I have been dreaming of playing in the snow with Sitora for the past year. Sitora gazed out the window at breakfast with wide eyes and exclaimed, "Oh, it's Snow White! Let's go outside and play with Snow White!" I giggled at her comment, but sadly admitted to myself that I was in no condition to take her to play out in the snow today. I am hoping the snow will stick for a few more days when I'll be back to full health.

Amidst the aches and pains, I have had much time to listen to the Daily Audio Bible app on my iphone. I love listening to Father's word. It is so soothing and refreshing. I was in and out of sleep at one point when music started playing at the end of the bible reading... I had a vision of myself in heaven sitting at the feet of Father's Son. I was overjoyed to be in His presence, finally, after all this waiting. I was crying tears of joy and thankfulness and was washing his feet with my tears and drying them with my hair- just like the story in the bible (Luke 7:36-50). It really encouraged me and I woke up with tears in my eyes. I am reminded of what I am living for- only for Him. Even in sickness He is my joy!

Was it worth it?

We get sick for many reason over here on this side of the world. We get stomach pains from yucky tummy bugs, we get stuffy noses and headaches from mold buildup in the bathroom (the ventilation system in bathrooms here isn't properly installed, therefore we have to scrub the ceiling and walls with bleach), and we catch the usual colds and such from friends and coworkers. Living in a foreign country can do a number on your body... and the foreign germs can cause quite a bit of sickness.

But this weekend I got sick for a different reason.

When I went to the orphanage a few days ago, the majority of the children were sick. Their faces were sullen, their bodies warm with fever, and their noses constantly dripping. One little boy was quarantined to his crib all alone in another room for having some other kind of sickness the workers didn't want spreading. My heart broke as I heard his quiet cries in the other room, knowing he was longing to play with all the other children.

One little girl who is about my daughter's age looked especially down. She always has "sad eyes" but today her eyes were even more so. She just sat there with her eyes glazed over staring at nothing. I could tell she didn't feel well as she was warm to the touch, and her hair was plastered to her face with dried mucus. I cuddled her in my arms and stroked her head, gently playing with her to keep her occupied and stimulated. The orphanage doctor was giving the children medicine, but from the same spoon for all of them. *shudder*

All of a sudden a lady came into the room screaming at one of the workers. She was wearing a special coat and holding an official looking clipboard, so I am assuming she was a manager. She yelled back and forth with this particular worker, and the only words I could make out amidst their spitfire argument were diapers, sick, and clean.

After the ladies stopped screaming, the children immediately became distressed. They all started crying, fighting over toys, and acting out. I have no doubt in my mind that the children picked up on the tension in the room.

For the rest of the morning, we battled getting the children fed, cleaned up, and ready for bed. They screamed, cried, and seemed unsettled. All I did was say Father's name under my breath over and over asking Him to bring us His peace.

When all the children were put in their cribs and it was time for us volunteers to go, I gently put my hand on each worker. I looked them in the eye individually and asked them if it had been a hard day. They nodded yes. I went on to tell them that they were doing a great job with the children, and I know it was a difficult day for all of us. They didn't know how to take the encouragement- they almost laughed it off. (I later asked one of my friends who's lived here for 9 years about this and she said in this culture, you generally don't tell workers they are doing a good job.)

Well, I have no doubt in my mind that even though they are not supposed to be encouraged, I'm sure deep down inside they crave it, and need it.

When we walked out the door they smiled brightly and asked us to please come again soon. That's what I like to hear :)

About two days later I started to feel faint and tired. As the day wore on I felt more and more sick. By evening I was feverish. Today is Valentine's Day and I am still sick to my stomach and achy. But do I regret holding my little angels in the orphanage who were sick? Absolutely not. I can't imagine how a small toddler feels when they are sick and have no one to cuddle them and rock them to sleep. Here I sit in a warm snuggly house with a husband to wait on me hand and foot, and a beautiful little girl who brings me blankets and tissues when I need them.

I'd hold a sick orphan any day. It was absolutely worth it.

*Note: This picture was taken at the disabilities orphanage, not the baby house. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to take pictures of the babies.

The forgotten

Today I went to a meeting. It burdened my heart yet propelled me to continue seeking to make a difference.

Do you know that human trafficking is spreading throughout the world like wildfire?

Do you know that young people are led to believe they are joining an academic or work program away from home, only to be stripped of their legal documents and sold into slavery? Physical labor and forced sexual relations are among the jobs demanded of them. Children's body parts are broken, eyes gouged out, or they are drugged, and then sent to the streets to beg and bring back money for their captors. Did you know that children are forced to work 20 hours a day and given special drugs to keep them awake long hours, only to be shot dead and thrown into the sea after they are too sick and no longer needed?

Will we be the voice of the forgotten? Of the weak and poor? Of the helpless and hurting?

We must not turn away our eyes in ignorance. We cannot bury our heads in the sand and pretend this isn't happening.  The most important thing we can do is pray. So please do.

We can all do our part to research, raise awareness, then ask our Father what He would have us to do.

On the street I saw a small girl, cold and shivering in a thin dress, with little hope of a decent meal. I became angry and said to Father: "Why did you permit this? Why don't you do something about it?" For a while Father said nothing. Then he replied, quite subtlety, "I certainly did do something about it. I made you." ~Author Unknown

Vintage Valentines

Ah, the holiday of lovers is upon us! I love Valentine's Day. It may be my favorite holiday of all. Why? Probably because when I was a teenager I grimaced at the thought of watching all the popular students at school getting love notes and roses from their sweeties, while I watched... lonely and boyfriend-less.

But now... HA! I have a husband! I will forever have a Valentine!

Also, I want to celebrate it with my daughter. It's just another excuse to get the house decorated and make crafts together. I remember growing up every Valentine's Day my mom would leave candy and notes for my brother and I when we woke up. I looked forward to it every year. I always felt special and loved. Thank you Mom :) I want Sitora to feel the same way throughout her childhood!

I am basically in love with anything Vintage these days, as if you couldn't tell from my blog style. I just swoon over "old school" anything! I wanted to find some Valentine cards for Sitora to hand out, but unfortunately I can't run down the street to my local Walmart to purchase a set of ready-made girly girl Disney princess hoytee toytee Valentines. Again, I must make basically everything from scratch here.

I googled online for "vintage valentine pictures" and found a zillion! I copied them, then pasted about 10 on a page using Publisher (I'm sure you could use Word as well). I changed the color scheme to grayscale so that they'd print in black and white, that way Sitora could color them in. I then took stationary paper, folded it in half, glued the vintage picture on the front, and let Sitora decorate the rest.

Go ahead and copy these vintage pictures yourself if you want to use them!

Next I made a Valentine's Day banner. It was ridiculously easy :) I used my heart shaped cookie cutters to trace hearts on pretty scrapbook paper. Then I cut the hearts out and punched holes near the top. I took hemp and strung it through the holes, tying a knot at each heart. Then I hung it up in our entry way, next to the tissue paper hanging balls I made for Sitora's birthday. I still haven't posted the video of how I made those - someday I'll get around to it! (You could probably find a tutorial on youtube...)

Love is in the air! Now go and make something special for the ones you love :)

Ever think about them?

Orphanage workers. You don't really think much about them do you? Sure, you hear stories about orphanages and the children and whatnot, but rarely would you consider what their lives are like.

They work long hours, are understaffed, underpaid, and have little to no training.

Orphanages in this country are not fully funded. At the baby house I volunteer at, the workers pool their own money together to buy plastic covers for the diapers. They make a little over $100 a month. Hardly enough to live by, don't you think? (And the cost of living is not cheap here.)

At the disabilities orphanage (pictures above) the workers are dealing with special needs children. It is a difficult job, I will admit. How many of you personally know a precious angel with a disability? All of us do. In developed countries these little blessings are given the chance for therapy and special schooling. Not these children. Parents don't want them. Maybe they are ashamed, maybe they don't have the finances, who knows.

I was told that oftentimes some children at this orphanage have MILD problems like epilepsy. The parents take them to the doctor to get a "note" that states the child is severely handicapped and needs to live in this orphanage. Therefore, these almost completely normal children are living in a disabilities home and all they need is some simple epilepsy medicine! Outrageous! My heart aches at the thought.

A group of us here are raising money to buy presents for the orphanage workers. Remember my last post about the baby house? If we can bless the workers, they in turn will hopefully have more love and compassion for the children they take care of. They are the ones basically "raising" these children! We volunteers only put in a few hours every week when we are allowed in. They, in a way, are the "mammas".

We will be selling baked goods for Valentines Day. Then we will take the money to buy nice gifts like perfume, soap, and chocolate for the ladies.

Will you pray with us? That we make a good amount of money, that we buy presents that will truly bless the workers, and that they in turn would love and bless the orphans?

Oh how I long for the day when our Father returns and there will be no more tears or pain. He will wipe every tear from the eyes of the orphans of this world.

GO PACK!

I'm not really a huge football fan, but my husband sure is!

You see, I married into a family who loves the Packers... therefore naturally I too shall love them.

Where my husband goes, I shall go also. Even if that means wandering into sports territory!

Over here on this side of the world, the Superbowl aired at 3:30 in the MORNING, folks. So we stayed up from 2:00am- 8:00am to watch it. Yes, I'm serious. No, I'm no joking. Yes, we were ridiculously tired. No, we didn't care!

We ate hot wings, chili, chips (DORITOS may I add), and had a grand ol' time.

Let's just say my favorite commercial was the one where a guy forgot to water his roommate's plant and feed the fish. So when he realized his buddy was coming home soon, he crumbled Doritos into the fish bowl, into the plant pot, and then accidentally knocked over his friend's grandfather's ashes. The doritos that spilled on the floor caused the ashes to come to life. So when his roommate came home, he saw his grandpa sitting on the couch with his buddy. I am not joking, I am STILL laughing about that commercial! Maybe it was funnier at 5:00am...

Anyways, here's to da Packers. I know our friends and family in Wisconsin are beyond thrilled! We wish we could have enjoyed the game with you in person. I'm sure everyone would have been running around like crazy screaming wildly at the top of their lungs for every touchdown Green Bay made.

There might be a possibility I accidentally screamed once when the Steelers made a touchdown... but it was not my fault! The screen was fuzzy (internet connection) and they had yellow on their jerseys too. Everyone stared at me blankly and it was then that I realized... I made a mistake. 

Well here's to you Green Bay- GO PACK GO!!!

She called me Mamma

I saw all my precious little baby munchkins at the orphanage again today. I wait with anticipation every week for this. Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking of the children, wondering if they are sleeping soundly or if they are scared and feeling alone. I pray that Father would send angels to comfort and console them each night. I can hardly wait for my visits there so I can scoop them all up and love them to pieces.

Today I tried even harder to connect with the local workers. I spent about 20 minutes talking to an older lady about her life outside the orphanage. Her daughters are all grown up- one works as a doctor and the other a university professor (take note that doctors and teachers here do not make the kind of money like in Western countries...) She told me they make a little over 100 manat ($120) a month working at the orphanage. That's not much folks. I told her that we really appreciate their hard work taking care of the children, and that I was sorry they didn't make much money. Her eyes sparkled and she thanked me for the kind words. I wonder if they get a pat on the back very often in appreciation? Probably not. One other volunteer brought all the workers cinnamon rolls, and they were delighted! And you know what? I noticed the workers treating the children very kindly all day. A little bit goes a long way- and that's what we're trying to accomplish.

My favorite little baby. Oh how I adore her. You've heard me talk about her before (I thought she was a boy at first, remember?) We'll call her "Baby K".

She always takes to me very quickly and doesn't want me to put her down. She cries until I put her back on my lap and then she happily plays with her toys. One of the workers gently commanded, "Please can you not hold the children? Sit them on the floor to play with the toys. Or else they end up crying." She means basically, the more we hold them, the more they want to be held, and when they can't be held (namely, when us volunteers are gone), they cry. How can you not hold a baby at an orphanage? It's every woman's instinct I'm sure! So we would sneak a child on our lap here or there hoping they wouldn't notice. It was gloriously disobedient. I loved it.

Baby K was quietly playing on the floor when all of a sudden a toddler walked past with their toy dangling in the air. As they walked by the toy smacked her precious little head and she started to cry. My mother instinct propelled me to automatically pull her close, rock her, and tell her everything was going to be okay (Oops, I held her! There I go again...) She snuggled into my arms and quietly said, "Mamma. Mamma."

My heart stopped. What did she just call me?

Yes. I had heard her correctly.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. All I could do was sit in shock. How would she even know to say that? I certainly never hear the workers saying "Mamma" for any reason at all.

Oh Baby K, how I wish I was your Mamma.

When it was nap time, I bent down low beside her crib (not sure if I was supposed to be in the room in the first place...) and sang softly to console her cries. Her eyes glimmered and a smile formed on her lips. I looked up and noticed that a few of the other children in their cribs sat up to listen to me singing. They all smiled with wide eyes, and didn't make a peep. As the local worker put each child into their crib she frankly remarked, "Bye bye!" (in English, which is odd) and was off to collect the next child. How I wish I could have stopped at every crib to sing every one of them to sleep individually while gently stroking their heads. It took every last inch of me to finally drag myself out of the room, as it was time for us to leave.

There are so many memories to share of my time with the children this morning. I could write about the little boy who pulled a caterpillar ABC singing toy around constantly for two hours straight, or the girl who wanted me to chase her around the room while she giggled endlessly, or the boy with only one arm who is perfectly capable of using his small stump to hold a toy while he inspects it with his only hand, or about the brand new walkers and highchairs we volunteers purchased and delivered to the orphanage today, which evoked laughter and smiles from the children and workers. I could go on and on and on...

It's only been eleven hours since I came home from the baby house today, and I am already counting down the hours until I can see all my angels once again.

Will you please pray for these children? For the workers? For us volunteers? And if you feel led to give financially, every dollar will go directly to helping these children with very practical needs (like bananas and new bibs!)

All I could do today when I came home was snuggle my daughter. She spent the morning with her fun Daddy while I was gone, but she was elated to have her Mommy back home. She was supposed to have been babysat this evening, but I couldn't bare it. I decided to bring her with us to our planned event. I just had to hold her after my morning at the orphanage. My mother heart yearned to nurture all day long.

Baby K called me Mamma, and now she's all I can think about.

hard

Some days are hard, and some days are good. And lately things have been pretty hard. Mostly hard with a shimmer of good, but not much.

I've been trying to look for the positive amidst the thickening clouds. I've been reading my bible (and listening to the audio version) more then ever. I can't go a day without it. I am addicted to the word. Without the word I am like a wandering sheep. More and more I am remembering and re-learning how fallen and sinful I am, and how perfect and just my Father is. I need Him. Where would I be without His touch?

I felt the deepest peace that I've felt in a long time this past week at the place where we pray. Sitora was coloring pictures and ripping them up while I closed my eyes and meditated on my beautiful Father. A peace washed over me that nearly took my breath away. A very heavy weight has been pressing me over this past month and it's been almost more than I can bear. It was lifted, if even momentarily, and it gave me the strength to press on a little further.

One step at a time. One step at a time.

baby baby baby baby baby

New life. So precious. So beautiful. So inspiring.

Every time I see a perfectly round pregnant belly my heart leaps with excitement and anticipation. "May I please photograph your baby bump?"

What will this child grow up to be like? How will they change the world?

This baby is wanted, just as every baby should be. Chose life!