Sunday, October 5, 2014

He knows my name

Do you ever have a moment of identity crisis? It seems as if I've been having a few (ok let's be honest...) a lot of them lately.

With the seasons of life, change is inevitable. Despite the reality of time and boundaries, I somehow always assume I can regularly bathe in the fountain of youth. Thirty? No problem. I still feel eighteen!

*BOOM* Reality check.

No, Casey, you are not, in fact, eighteen.

(Well, the FedEx man thinks you look younger than eighteen, but that doesn't mean you feel it.)

You are a mamma who needs vitamins, dark chocolate, regular sleep (and a cup of coffee now and then) to break out of your zombie cocoon. Get with it girl.

With my new found realization that I can no longer conquer the world, I'm learning to settle down a bit. A few nights in a row of five hours of sleep starts to catch up with you, whether you like it or not. I find myself asking, "Who am I?" on a regular basis.

Don't worry. I'm not falling off a cliff, or so they say. I guess it's more of a figure of speech. "Who am I?" is a way for me to reevaluate where I'm at emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Am I trying to be something someone else wants me to be? Am I trying to be someone I'm not? Am I putting unrealistic expectations on myself? Who is the real Casey deep down inside underneath all those things I can "do"? Who is the real me?

I think as moms sometimes our fragile hearts get shoved down deep underneath the pile of dirty clothes and dishes. Moms are very self-sacrificing. We rarely do something special for ourselves. We give of our time, our love, our energy, and our focus to our husbands, children, and others around us. By the end of the day we fall into bed exhausted ready to start all over the next morning (which usually awakens us with a little voice bellowing, "MoooOOOOooooOOOOm!!!" in the next room or a warm sensation of being peed on or a little person kicking you in the head in their sleep.)

There are days when I look out my window at the calming river and rustling trees and think about the things I like to do and wish I could do just for "me". So many things in my life I do for others, as do many women. But if we don't stop to schedule those things into our lives, they will never happen.

So that's my resolution for this season of my life. I'm going to do some more things that are just for me. I'm not going to lead as much as I am going to purposefully receive. And believe me, that was very hard for this Type A go-get-em-girl to type that out.

So this season of life calls for a bit more "no's". I'm pulling back from a few things and reorganizing my time and priorities. Sometimes a "no" from me can open the door for a "yes" for someone else :)

My time with God and family are my highest priorities right now. Even though I am a stay at home mom, I can still get distracted with my other responsibilities outside of the home. At times I find myself barely being truly "there" with my kids because my brain is so preoccupied with the other things I need to do.

I don't like that.

So I'm taking a step back, for now.

Big sigh.

And that's okay.... I'm learning that that's okay.

I am still loved by the Most High God, the King of Kings, my Everlasting Father. I am adored by my Savior and He is the most important Person in my life.

The expectations of life and others will come and go like the ebb and flow of the waves in the sea. Some of those expectations are legitimate and I need to fulfill them. But ultimately I need to listen to the One who calms the waves with one sound of His voice. Who does He say that I am? What does He ask of me?

Jesus, I am listening. I know who You say I am. You say I am Yours. Bought with a price and covered in Your cleansing blood. My name is written on the palm of Your hand. You number the hairs on my head and tears I cry. I am your child.

He knows my name.

And that's all I need to know.

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