It's been a stressful summer/fall for me. I'm learning how to balance a growing business, growing kids, growing church, and how it all fits together.
I was praying the other day and expressing my thoughts. "I just want to do my best at everything, God. I really, really do. When I focus on one thing, it feels like the other things slip. How can I keep it all together?"
"You can't." I heard. "You just have to give up control and give up trying to perfect everything,"
Ugh. This is very, very hard for me.
I wish I was one of those girls who can function on 5 hours of sleep and be just fine and dandy. I wish I could prioritize better and have my house on a cleaning schedule. I wish I was better at calling all my church friends and checking up on them. I wish I could run 4 miles every day instead of just once in a while. I wish my refrigerator didn't look like a food bomb went off inside. I wish I could study more on photography in my free time. I wish I could start my counseling degree so I could counsel better. I wish I wish I wish.
Well, wishing isn't going to get me anywhere, now is it? First and foremost, I have to give up that control God was telling me about. Next I need to ask Him what areas I should be focusing on and what areas can be set aside for now. God works in mysteriously beautiful ways and He already has been confirming areas that can be handed over. I love how when He speaks, He directs. Maybe not every step, but at least the step in front of me.
I had a very vivid dream this week about the end times. I'm not sure exactly what to think of it, but it reminded me that every day counts and I shouldn't waste a moment worrying. When God directs me to share His love with someone, I need to go do it. When God directs me to pray for someone, I need to drop everything and do it. When God directs me to focus on what He's called me to, I need to obey and stop meddling in areas He never intended me to.
When I stand before the King of Kings on that beautiful day, I won't be carrying my cleaning schedule and all my checked off items on the to-do list. I won't be bringing a pan of lasagna and freshly baked cupcakes. And even though everyday, mundane, routine things are important, I can't get swallowed up in the chaos of just surviving the day. Because when I enter eternity, I will however, be carrying my heart and soul and the things that matter for eternity. Like lives. People. What did Jesus say was the greatest commandment? To love God and love others. That's what matters in the end.
So even though my bathrooms aren't always spotless and many days the hubby cooked dinner while I finished a photoshoot, I can't dwell on the perfect image I'm trying to create of myself or image I strive to be. I need to be who God called me to be, and let the rest fall into place. I'm learning that life has an ebb and flow, and I need to loosen up a bit and go with it. If the kids need some playtime outside, I need to drop my broom, put the home school worksheets aside, take a breather, and enjoy the break.
And if someone needs a listening ear, prayer, love, hugs, or laughter, I need to set aside my so called schedule and give Jesus room to move in my life and the lives of others. Heaven forbid I go off schedule! :) I'm learning here, friends, I really am.
I've been shocked and stunned in awe of how God has been speaking to me lately in terms of sharing my faith. He specifically showed me in advance a certain couple I was to talk to about Him before I even met them. And the minute I met them, BAM it hit me, I knew it was them. I told them how much God loves them and how He told me that we would meet. I almost didn't speak to them for fear of going "off schedule" at a certain event. But God made a way and the timing was perfect. He knows what He is doing. I want to follow, no matter how off course it may seem.
So here's my schedule, my timing, my planned out life. I lay it at your feet, Lord. Obviously you have a very different plan for my life than I ever envisioned. I'm an open book. Just write my pages. Here am I. Send me.