I have a love/hate relationship with the quote:
"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
Why? Because sometimes I feel like that ship, stocked to the brim with cargo, carrying a treasure map half-way interpreted in the hands of a naively eager captain. Some days I bounce out of bed ready to tackle the goals set before me with wide eyes and reckless abandon. Yet other days I wake up delicately ruminating on the lessons God is stirring within my heart with a hushed and quieted spirit not yet ready to sail the high seas. I am torn between the two. This season of my life lately has culminated in the interwoven acts of listening and learning.
I have revealed this often in my previous posts, but I would never have dreamed my life would consist of what it does now. I specifically remember laughing (mocking, may be a better term) at the statement made by someone I knew that they wanted to be a "pastor's wife". Dreaming of being someone's wife as a life goal? Please! This is the modern century, is it not? This teenage spirit would not be easily tamed by domestic life.
But here we are, friends, and you know as well as I do that "my life as a pastor's wife" would be a good summary of my daily musings. All the things I specifically told God I would not do, well, here I am, very clearly doing.
1. Living in America
2. Serving as a pastor's wife
3. Homeschooling my children
There you have it. The summary of my existence consists of all the goals I set my mind on avoiding. It's humorous, feel free to laugh with me.
I may only have lived a mere thirty-four years on this earth, but the one thing I know for sure is that I don't know it all. If anything, I have learned that there is always more to learn. More listening to be done, more patience to be sought, more of being the type of human that doesn't permeate arrogance and pride. I know my Jesus brought me hope and freedom, and I want to spend my life freely sharing this grace and sincere love (not just loving people so they will come to Christ, but truly loving them where they are no matter what choices they make because this love has no strings attached.)
At the end of the day, I know I am doing what God has asked of me. Often I hear the term, "God called me to..." and I grew up hearing and using this phrase. This type of Christian-ese can sometimes throw people off, and quite frankly can easily be abused and used to manipulate people. So I am training myself to say, "God has asked me..." instead.
As a pastor's wife there are many unseen "asks" in life. I am not paid, nor am I on staff at our church or any church where we have served. I do not seek to be called "pastor" even though many of my volunteer duties would fall under a pastoral job description. The life I am living is simply an act of obedience to my Jesus. My life does not look the way I thought it would twenty years ago, but the life God has given me has overwhelmed me with depths of joy I never could have imagined twenty years ago.
God has asked me to stay home and raise my children.
God has asked me to homeschool my children for this season of their lives.
God has asked me to serve my church.
God has asked me to love my neighbors and let them love me. Sometimes they bless me more than I could ever imagine blessing them.
God has asked me to take care of my grandmother and serve her as Christ has loved me.
God has asked me to keep an open heart and schedule for the "interruptions" of life that bring surprise opportunities.
I have chosen at this time in my life to pour my energy into learning about and loving my church, my neighbors, my family, my friends, and my city as "my job". Does that mean less of an income for our family? Yes. It requires sacrifice and a willing heart. Does that mean I will never work again? I doubt it. It just means that for this season of my life I feel led to love, learn, listen, and wait.
It means unexpectedly changing the schedule and choosing to help someone in need when I had something else planned for the afternoon.
It means reaching out and being the first to introduce myself in a crowd when I secretly wish to hide under the covers on the couch at home.
It means letting God stretch me past my comfort zone when all I want to do is run to what I'm familiar with.
It means seeing every person I come across as a soul, a person with a story, a heart that has loved and heart that has been crushed. It means putting my pretenses aside and laying down my judgments to see life through someone else's lens.
It means serving without being seen. It means loving without guarantee of love in return. It means caring when there may be no harvest to be reaped. It means walking in humility and refraining from gossip even when others paint you in a twisted light. It means keeping confidences and protecting reputations. It means seeking a tender heart when bitterness tries to sneak it's way to your doorstep. It means choosing to think the best of others knowing everyone fights their own battles.
This pastor's wife life is not for the faint of heart. But my Jesus has chosen it for me and therefore I will do my best to honor His name. I will never stop learning and listening, for every person has a story and I hope my part in their story will be one of joy and hope.
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