Thank you bubble baths for pretending to offer 15 minutes of solitude and relaxation. Instead all you do is provide 15 minutes where I am forced to think of chores still left undone and listen to little voices scream, "MAMAAAAAAAA!" outside the locked bathroom door and then realize the water has turned lukewarm.
Thank you Arby's loaded curly fries, for providing all night food poisoning enjoyment. I was so happy to wake up every 5 minutes to feel the darkness of death between the hours of 2:00-5:00am the other night. I can't wait to do that again.
Thank you puffy plastic air shipping thingies, for hiding in places where you know I will step haphazardly while running around chaotically from chore to chore. I didn't really want that newborn to keep sleeping in the swing anyways, golly gee. He loves extremely loud pop noises that come out of nowhere and I enjoy his really short naps so I can continue getting nothing done.
Thank you laundry for your endless piles and folding needs that are so burdensome they make me want to burn all of our clothes and just wear gunny sacks.
Thank you 3 year old child for using scissors to cut your hand-me-down pants that look brand new. You said you just wanted to be funny. Look at my face. Of all the pants. There are uglier ones.We're not rich kid.
Thank you newborn baby for throwing up all over me in the middle of the night. It's good to know your digestive system is up and running. Sleep is overrated.
Thank you water bottle for being so stylish and modern. It's like every drop of water that comes from you is magically imported from the waterfalls of PureLand. I feel like a celebrity athlete when I drink from you. All it takes is one drink and I am ready for a marathon.
Thank you car window for deciding not to roll up during a blizzard. I love feeling freezing air and fluffy white snowflakes slam into my face at 55 miles per hour. So refreshing.
Thank you post-baby body for reminding me I just had my third child. The muffin top is the icing on the cake. I love it when I can't squeeze my belly fat into my skinny jeans.
Thank you cooking shows for causing intense and immediate cravings for gourmet food. I was totally planning on making food at 10pm at night after I'd already cleaned up the kitchen from first dinner. Second dinner will take hours and be the most delectable and tiring meal. I have learned your ways. I will now only watch you immediately after becoming full from first dinner.
Thank you book of Revelation from the Bible for giving me apocalyptic nightmares. It was great thinking the world was ending and I couldn't find my family. Though you wouldn't be proud of the non-Biblical details like five red suns and everyone's hair turning gray because 1,000 years had passed in a day's time. Maybe if I read you enough my subconscious will get the details correct next time.
Thank you Friday night for reminding me that tonight everyone will be eating all the food at all the restaurants and watching all the new movies at all the theaters with all the cool people in all the fun places while I scrub left over bodily fluids from little people. This is the life!
Thank you husband for being basically the best ever and thinking I'm fanciful and flawless even when I look like I haven't showered in days. Well, let's just be honest. I haven't.